This little booger-butt is going to be one-year old in exactly one week.
I know that every parent says, ” I cannot believe it is one year already!” and I feel the same way but I have an appreciation for this landmark more than I ever thought I would. Does anyone really know how close we came to losing this guy? How we have been told that he probably would not have lived another 24 hours had we taken him home assuming his feeding problems and sensitivity to light were just “spitting up” and “adjustment issues”…I can’t think about it.
If anyone deserves a big ‘ol blowout it is Corrigan. However, I am so afraid to plan for anything, big or small, because too many times we have spent an occasion in the hospital (Easter, parties…a scheduled wedding) I feel like sending out invitations guarantees us a spot in the PCRU at Hopkins. I feel like tiptoeing (tip-toe-ing? Tiptoe-ing?) around the date…I just want to scoop him up on his day and run away to someplace that doesn’t allow little babies to get so sick that their heads feel like they could explode….to a place that insidious ammonia will not snake into tiny skulls and put them to sleep forever…to a place that allows him some peace and 24 hours relieved of fear.
We will do something. On his actual birthday we will give him lots of hugs and kisses and then hand him over to a babysitter so that we can go to Monika’s graduation (go Monika!!!! class of 2009, yo) but that weekend we will stick a pointy hat on his head…we will laugh as he sticks his chubby hands into a tiny cake…we will watch him meltdown after too many people and too many hugs…and we will put him to bed after a bubbly bath and lots of kisses and then go to bed, like every single night in the 12 months prior, and worry that the next morning is THAT morning..the one that keeps coming out of nowhere…without any indication…that makes us move with the precision of firemen hearing the alarm…and we will do it gladly because it’s what you do. No matter what. You just don’t PLAN for things…you just wing it.
We wing birthday parties and weddings…we wing appointments and plans with families and friends…and we wing it when it all goes down hill in an instant…we wing it because God gives us the strength to do it again. AGAIN. and eighteen days later…AGAIN…and when it gets really hard we close our eyes and think that almost one year ago we nearly lost something to wing it for.