This is the look he makes when Shrek2 begins.  Something about Prince Charming racing through blistering heat and scorching deserts (yes, I first typed desserts…mama needs some chocolate volcano cake, STAT! ) builds massive amounts of anticipation in Corrigan.  Once the scene changes to Shrek and Fiona’s honeymoon sequence he is happy and bouncing to the song “Accidentally in Love” and all is well with the world.

nail biter blog2

(Serious question…when you are typing commentary on a photo…should the commentary go before (above) the photo…or should it follow (after) the photo?  I see it both ways on other blogs but I wonder which is correct? Ideas? Opinions?)

Not much happening around these parts right now.  We are still laying pretty low and are incredibly thankful (and honestly, quite amazed) at how healthy our household has been considering all of the illness flying around the county.  We are still doing things in a tag-team sort of way, rarely does the entire household do something at the same time, as to minimize Corrigan’s exposure to what might be out there.  It seems to be working really well but it gets lonely.  I kind of forget how to socialize with real live grown-ups other than in typed word format these days. 

I did have a revelation the other day. 

Corrigan, with the exception of his first hospitalization, has always vomited when his ammonia is elevated.  For months, every single time I picked Corrigan up from his crib I checked to see if there were any vomit around him.  When he would wake throughout the night I would creep in with a soft light in hand to settle him back down and each time, because the light was so dim, I would quickly sweep my hand over the entire bed as I was laying him down and before I walked away.

It became a habit that I didn’t even think about….until last night.  I realized that I have not done a “hand sweep” (it is disgusting I know, to talk about vomit and such things, but these are the days of my life…glamorous, I know) in nearly a month.  I am no longer fearful that he might be ill. In fact, it has not even crossed my mind for quite a long time that when I get him up for the day…that he could be in danger. My stomach hasn’t clenched as I walked into the room in weeks either.  I think that I have reached some sort of peace with everything.

Sure, I know that he will likely get sick again…possibly soon…maybe not…but the chances of him never becoming hyper-ammoniemic again are pretty slim. Still, somehow the absolute fear and dread has abated.  We have now had four complete months of excellent metabolic health.  Corrigan is growing well, is happy and healthy and his cognitive abilities are exploding. This much-needed healthy time has allowed everything else to catch up…to heal the emotional wounds as well…and life feels pretty normal.  I honestly never EVER thought I would feel that way again.

Everything else is still a wreck. Things are still hard and tough and it feels like one thing after another but not having the fear of the next Corrigan crisis has quietly, and almost stealthily, slipped away.  Our guards are not down but we are not immobilized by dread in regards to Cor’s disorder.

It feels like a good thing…and if I believed in “jinxes” I just totally blew it.

One thought on “relief

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