publicly

See this man?

baby is peeping blog

Had I known how to pray…or what to pray for when I was a young girl…I would have prayed for this man to be my husband.

I have loved him for 16 years…I have passionately adored him the moment he became the father to my first born…but I have loved him BEYOND MEASURE in a way I never knew was possible until he stood with me on a sidewalk in Baltimore, our newborn baby fighting for his life, and spoke words to me that touched my soul.  I knew, in that moment, that what I had contributed to this marriage was NOT ENOUGH…that HE deserved more…FROM ME.

I was cleaning the house this morning, listening to the new Michael Buble album for the first time , when the song “Hold On” came through the speakers.  Over the loudness of the ShopVac I heard this verse and it made me instantly stop everything.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don’t you ever let me go.

Those were nearly the exact words he said to me after speaking private words that touched my soul on that strange Baltimore sidewalk…he spoke nearly those exact words from the song as he took my hand and we walked over to the NICU , fearful to our toes at what we might see or hear, and it calmed me.

I married him with all of the love a 20 year old woman could give. Naive and silly.  Convinced that we were the lucky ones and always would be

When I was approaching 30 years old I had what John Mayer would call ” a quarter life crisis” and was so wrapped up in myself, my faded hopes and dreams, my future and all of its possibilities that were being hindered by RESPONSIBILITY…didn’t everyone know that I was destined to be MORE than just a mom? More that someone that worked retail in the MALL?  Didn’t I deserve more?

I was unbearable and I am ashamed at the old me. I will go to my grave utterly ashamed at the wife that I was.

I knew long before Corrigan was born that I needed to change. That this life was not all about me.   I made a choice to be a better wife and mom. I chose to focus on my blessings, listen closely to what God was telling me, what God was showing me over and over in my life….I made a choice to love Mark more.

I have tried to show him.

Now I will tell him.

Publicly.

I love you Mark.

Forever.

*the rest of the lyrics…it shakes me to my bones to listen to this song…it is the story of our life together so far.  Things seem so hard right now.  But we have each other, as sappy as that might sound, we ARE stronger here together than we would ever be alone.

Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you’ve got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don’t you ever let me go.

There’s a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it’s no ones fault, no it’s not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it’s hard to see.
I’ve got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it’s you and me together,
and baby all we’ve got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There’s so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we’ve got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we’ve got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don’t you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

2 thoughts on “publicly

Your comments are appreciated!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s