It was a lovely Saturday.
One of those last days of Autumn that make you ache for summer and dread the winter.
One of the last days that a sweatshirt will do…before heavy coats come out of storage.
I could smell the winter in the air.
When we got to the park…Corrigan was unsure if he wanted to play.
Really, REALLY unsure.
He finally relaxed enough to swing a bit.
Of course, it was Connor that made sure that Corrigan had a good time.
Nana braved the barn slide.
And after awhile he loosened up enough to explore the playground.
It didn’t seem like that long ago that Connor was much smaller and enjoying this same playground.
The more I watched them play together…the more that I was struck by how strange my life really is.
Sometimes I forget…
But we really have “started over” with Corrigan. Look at Connor…I mean, we almost had him there…driving and out the door to college…practically.
No more playgrounds…no more tantrums when it is time to leave…no more tumbles off of the equipment and fights with other kids over the slides…no more obligatory swing pushing, wishing that he would learn to pump his little legs and swing himself so I can JUST.SIT.DOWN.
No more teething, no more diapers, no more potty-training.
No more playdates and Trick-or-Treating, no more Santa and Tooth Fairies
No more child locks and outlet covers and freaking out when we drop a penny…or anything small enough to fit into a toilet paper tube.
No more standing at the bus stop, freezing in the winter, sweating in the late Spring.
No more PTA meetings and liquid pain relievers.
No more carseats, or booster seats.
No more diaper cream and fishing in the toilet
No more Itsy-Bitsy-E-I-E-I-O
We were almost there…
and oddly enough…seeing them playing together…I realize that it HAD to be this way.
Because I had ten amazing years to devote to Connor. Alone.
And I have been missing the toy department at Walmart, now forsaken for the video game aisle.
And cute little fleece outfits with footies.
and cartoon character slippers
and sloppy wet kisses
and giggles that make my heart explode from happiness
and pure joy on a face when I walk in a room
little pudgy fingers that smoosh my cheeks
handing him his first lollipop
his first taste of soda
his first nibble of cotton candy
and standing there when he finds that quarter under his pillow
and can’t sleep for waiting for Santa
and “monster spray” to keep him safe from scary things at night
and blankies trailing behind him like Linus
who knew that I needed all of it again?
Now, what I have is a decade older body and mind…much more responsibility with Corrigan and his needs…and God knew I would need a lot of help…and he knew that Connor would be there to step in when I was too tired to push the swing, too fat to climb up in the tubes and towers, and to look out for him in ways that Mama just can’t.
God knew that Corrigan needed a big brother…so He gave Corrigan to us last.
A decade in between…whew…it is EXHAUSTING.
Who knew that would end up being perfect after all?