introspection (1)

The Truth: No

It is pretty obvious that I ignore what my body needs.

Well, it likes caffeine…so I oblige it lavishly

Aside from the obvious outward affects of poor choices…what is unseen is starting to rear its ugly head.

Too much time typing and years of abuse from playing the violin have ravaged my hands. There are days that I cannot even unscrew the nipple/cap from the top of the baby bottle.

The pain in my right knee shouts that the extra 50lbs I am carrying have done damage. It’s fleeting, the pain…it will hurt for a few days and then not for months. I am hopeful that that is a sign the damage is not yet permanent.

My body is telling me that my wisdom teeth ( the two remaining ) need pulled. Like my knee, the pain is sometimes very intense, they push wickedly against my other teeth and cause me grief, but then the pain stops for months and I forget about them.  I used to have a cute little gap between my two front teeth. That gap is no longer there. The wisdom teeth are forcing teeth together and what is already touching will, soon enough, cause them to twist and turn and overlap, I am sure.

My hips ache if I sit too long. My back aches if I stand too long.

My eyes throb from a contact prescription that is a year past due and an eyeglass prescription that is 3 years past due.

My digestive system is nothing less than sinister. I make poor food choices and my body suffers intestinally. Sometimes, a simple gulp of water will cause things to clench.  I am pretty sure it is because the idea of something good entering its vicinity is so unknown, so strange, that it clenches in fear.

What is this clear substance? :::Clench::::we need COFFEEEEEEEEE!

Exhaustion, from years of interrupted sleep, has taken its toll on my memory.  While filling out some paperwork the other day…I suddenly realized that I no longer knew my own social security number.  Well, I knew most of it but was completely stumped at the middle two numbers.

I have had my social security number memorized since I was 10 years old. I have written it a thousand times…but it was like a vapor in front of my eyes…and, thankfully, just before panic set in…the numbers appeared in my mind and I was calmed.

However, this is becoming more and more common…slogging through my days in a haze of sleepiness  and attempting to lift that fog with caffeine and sugar. 

A happy side effect of gallons of coffee is lack of appetite, or so it seems. I flit around the house, cleaning and attending to chores and not needing to stop to eat…when the evening hits I am head sick from too much coffee and stomach sick from too much creamer…desperate for food.

I then eat and eat all evening long, until my bedtime, sometimes woke by Corrigan’s screams and finding myself shoving a cookie in my mouth at 2am, while filling a bottle.

I am a wreck.  I shudder to think what my cholesterol might be. Ignorance is bliss.

I need to make dramatic changes but am unable to make the smallest steps because I am locked in the cycle.

The headaches from weaning down from coffee are debilitating and not condusive to wrangling, loving and teaching an active toddler.

I am a stress-eater…and all of the stressful things that I am able to push out of my mind when the sun is up come crashing down on me when baby-bedtime rolls around and I am confronted with the realities of our life.

Starving, trembling from anxiety over nearly every single thing and needing comfort…cream cheese on toast is my hug.

A frothy glass of rootbeer is my boost.

A handful of bar-b-que potato chips is my counselor.

Gummy worms whisper that “everything is going to be okay”

and I believe it…all of it…until the day I cannot button my jeans and there isnt a penny available to buy even a used pair from Goodwill.

Until doing laundry is painful because my knee is screaming going up and down the basement steps.

Until the tendrils of a migraine slip across my skull from too much Breakfast Blend (at 7pm)

Until I go to bed one night, in an exhausted slump, forgetting to turn on the baby monitor and not realizing it until my weary middle-schooler comes in barking ” How can you not HEAR this?” ( the baby screaming) at 5:45 in the morning.

How bad it hurts to climb out of bed and face it all again. Another day of poor choices.

No,  I hear EVERYTHING my body is telling me, I know EXACTLY what it needs…but I ignore it…and the consequences of that are not going to get prettier.

How about you? Do you listen to what YOUR body needs?

2 thoughts on “introspection (1)

  1. No! Thus my comment to you on fb about being sick. Two things (this is going to be long, so sorry!):

    (1) Right after Ibrahim was born, and everything went down, until I would say October (a good six months), I lived on coffee. I mean, I went from one coffee high to another. At work I was downing so much coffee, that when the effects wore off, I was literally sitting in a colleague’s office with my head on his desk, speech slurring, and not able to open my eyes. I NEEDED that next cup of coffee to be able to drive home (and you know how long my commute is). This colleague mentioned that coffee causes dehydration, I needed more water. So when he went to the water machine, he would stop by and make me go with him. So I started drinking so much water that I didn’t have enough space for coffee. I had a cup in the morning and one in the afternoon (still have to get home), then a water bottle that I refilled was my friend. I’m not much of a water drinker, but I discovered, if I stick a straw in my water bottle, man, I can drink so much! So know I get at least 32 oz a day, and sometimes more. Maybe make up a bottle of water in the morning and stick ice and a straw in it, then leave it the counter, whenever you walk towards the kitchen, drink some. Mindy, let me tell you, I have more energy now that I am not going from one caffeine high to the next then I ever did while drinking coffee continuously. (wow, that was a long one!)Now, stress eating…I’m still doing that..not sure how to conquer that one…yet.

    (2)Don’t be too upset that Cor woke up Connor. I’m sure it doesn’t happen often, and I can understand the guilt. I feel it too, whenever Heemie misses a feeding, not because he wouldn’t drink, but because I didn’t wake up and give him the bottle. We are only human, and we try our best, and from what I know about you, you are one AWESOME MOMMY!!

    Love,
    Sairah

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  2. I don’t listen because it speaks in Chinese and I don’t speak no Chinese.

    That’s a lie. I just tell my body to listen to me. Don’t listen to them, pretend you didn’t just hear that, you love to stand in heels for 90 minutes on the train, no need to cry – hold it in.

    That’s not entirely true either because at some point your body takes over. Like this Wednesday evening. I gave the babies a bath and was zoning out after, cleaning up. I got undressed, slipped in the tub and put some fresh hot water in, closed the shower curtain and boo hooed my culi off.

    I’ve been unusually tired the rest of this week – so triple cappuccino’s for me. I can’t afford them ($) but I have to do something. Also since crying I’ve noticed that my “flow” is lighter. Hmmmm have to look into that.

    I have to have humor. I won’t make it without it. It’s the only thing my mind and body can agree on for survival.

    xx

    Cristina

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