Can I be honest?
I would do anything to have him wrap his arms around me and squeeze. I wish he knew the mechanics of a hug.
I would do anything to have him smoosh his beautiful lips together and press them deliberately against my cheek. I wish that he knew how to give kisses.
I would do anything to hear something resembling an, “I love you” even if it was just three sounds that mean something similar. I wish that he had words.
When I pull him into my arms to give him a hug his body tenses up and he immediately pulls away. When I move in to kiss him he tolerates me but doesn’t understand what the gesture means. I am not sure that he even knows who “Mommy” is when I say, “Mommy loves you so much!”
I have no idea when, or if, these simple gestures of love will ever register with Corrigan. I have no idea if he will ever understand the little nuances of life that keep us all connected.
Maybe I just need to be more patient. Maybe if I model the behaviors enough, thousands and thousands of times, something will click.
But maybe not. Maybe Corrigan will never be a hugger or kisser. Maybe that would be because of his personality, not his disability. Maybe it doesn’t really matter because when he looks at me like this…