I wish…

Can I be honest?

I would do anything to have him wrap his arms around me and squeeze. I wish he knew the mechanics of a hug.

I would do anything to have him smoosh his beautiful lips together and press them deliberately against my cheek. I wish that he knew how to give kisses.

I would do anything to hear something resembling an, “I love you” even if it was just three sounds that mean something similar.  I wish that he had words.

When I pull him into my arms to give him a hug his body tenses up and he immediately pulls away.  When I move in to kiss him he tolerates me but doesn’t understand what the gesture means. I am not sure that he even knows who “Mommy” is when I say, “Mommy loves you so much!”

I have no idea when, or if, these simple gestures of love will ever register with Corrigan. I have no idea if he will ever understand the little nuances of life that keep us all connected.

Maybe I just need to be more patient. Maybe if I model the behaviors enough, thousands and thousands of times, something will click.

But maybe not.  Maybe Corrigan will never be a hugger or kisser.  Maybe that would be because of his personality, not his disability. Maybe it doesn’t really matter because when he looks at me like this…

…I am pretty sure that it is his way of hugging and kissing me and saying, ” I sure love you Mama” in his own little way.



7 thoughts on “I wish…

  1. This has to be one of my favorite shots of him EVER. I think I say that a lot but this one is SO awesome. I cannot even find the words. I just love it!!


  2. Has Corr ever been one to snuggle? For instance, when he cries at the hospital after the nurses are finished holding him down to get blood – does he want you to hold him to be consoled? Just curious!

    I know it must be heartbreaking. And I think your wish is an understandable one. I would think that with him trusting you more, that this is something he will do eventually. But in the meantime, it’s all about the little things – like being a ham for the camera! I think maybe just like he makes you work for the smiles and giggles, maybe he’s just holding out so that you REALLY appreciate it when he finally does give you a big hug or kiss.


    • I think that you hit it on the head…my gut says that it is a “trust” thing. Recently, he has at least begun to crawl into our laps to read or watch a video on my phone but he has to have his back to my chest. I think that because he was restrained (and still is) for so many blood draws and procedures that it has become a learned behavior to pull away when pulled close. For the same reason kisses can, at times, wig him out as well. He prefers people from a distance, he always has…and the more comfortable he is with you, the closer he allows you to be. He will rest his head on your shoulder but you have to be holding him loosely, cannot wrap him in any sort of hug to your body.

      Having said all of that, I think that he also does not have any real idea of what hugging and kissing is all about. Honestly, it is hard to explain. Corrigan’s interactions are self-centered. If he wants something ( to go outside, to get a bath, to play ring-around-the-rosie etc) he will make a connection with you to get your attention and “ask” what he wants (or at least lead you to what he wants) and if you have something absolutely delicious (like ice cream, which is a no-no) he will be your best friend…but any other time of the day I have to fight to get his attention and make connections. Sometimes it feels like Corrigan just plays around us. Does that make sense?

      After a shot or stress at the hospital, yes…he wants me but that is because I am the only person in the room he wants to get him out of there. It is not like I get hugs or anything, more like death grip from fear and I am the only one that he knows won’t stick him.

      I have seen improvements. I have. They are just so SLOW and I suppose I am too impatient. Hopefully, a year from now, I will be writing about all of the love that he smothers us with!



  3. Your his mom – its your job to shower him with love (words and via body language). Even if he doesn’t seem to like it you will regret it later if you start holding back. Plus it is probably exactly what he needs but he is probably having a hard time showing that.


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