One more step away from the fear…

It took me a long time to work up the nerve to play my violin in church again.  I can’t explain how the last four years have shaken my confidence in every aspect of my life.  Prior to Corrigan’s birth, performing in front of crowds was not necessarily a piece of cake, but fear didn’t grip me the way that it does now.  So much of my life was changed when we almost lost Corrigan and the anxiety that wiggled its way into my life made me fear even a simple trip to Walmart, so I knew it would be devastating to my ability to play well.

It didn’t go all that great.  I know I am my harshest critic, but I am an honest one and while I expected my bow to shake a bit on the strings, and feared that the fingers on my left hand wouldn’t shift into 3rd position easily, I didn’t expect that my right arm would feel like it was encased in concrete.  I had practiced the piece so many times that my left hand knew the notes without issue, and my hands were shockingly calm, but there was no flexibility in my bowing arm and I was talking to myself, in my head while playing, and willing myself to relax, but it didn’t happen. All of the emotion is in the bowing, and today I played with only one emotion…fear.

But…~ I did it!  I’ve cancelled twice before.  I’ve prayed for peace and for my anxiety to leave.  Others were praying for me too.   I wrote, “You are playing for God, not for Man, RELAX!!!!” on the top of my sheet music.  The moment I put my bow on my string I whispered, “Your Grace is sufficient” and then began.  I’ll admit,  I threw up in my mouth a little, but I did it!  It will get easier and easier, I know and today was the first step back into the swing of things!

This morning was also the first time I left Corrigan in his church class alone.  Granted, it was for less than 15 minutes but he was fine when I returned after playing but shortly began melting down for no reason.  At one point, he was screaming so much, and writhing on the floor, that I worried something about his g-tube was causing him pain.  We quickly packed up and went to sit in the car while Daddy and Connor stayed for Sunday School and for the Anniversary lunch afterwards, and Cor eventually conked out in his car seat while we listened to the football game on the radio.

Mark brought a big plate of food out to the car and I enjoyed every bite. There’s nothing like church food to soothe a little self-hatred over a lackluster performance!

Got a haircut yesterday, my first in around 28 months!  She lopped off four inches and added a longer layer.  It felt like a good day to break out my $4.00 thrift store “wheat dress” too.  When better than November to wear wheat? (what do I know? It’s probably harvested in, like, July or something)   See my little man snoozing in the back? He was snoring so loudly it was making me giggle.

Happy Sunday!

4 thoughts on “One more step away from the fear…

  1. I am SO glad you did it. It is amazing how our children’s medical situations have changed us in ways unimaginable, but we have to fight to still maintain doing things that bring joy to our personal well-being. Good job!!

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